Little Bits of Island Heaven

I splashed behind the shark as he glided along the reef glad my goggles were optically corrective so I could see the danger I told my baby did not exist in the water.


*had no camera at the time so using this pic taken in the aquaratorium

Little Bits of Island Heaven

On Christmas day I fell in love at a luau with a fire dancer half my age and shot passion fruit shaved ice through my nose.
Gecko's are half as fast as they used to be, and sunsets twice as quick.

Little Bits of Island Heaven

Today I stopped combing my hair and fed my lunch to wharf cats.
They are better groomed and have more purpose in life than me.

Little Bits Of Island Heaven

Today I swam nakid in a blue lagoon and ate a 14.00 hamburger off the back of some dude's truck.

And I screamed off the top of a mountain.










* there is no internet access in the condo too down load pics and I can only post sporadically when soberish

Little Bits of Island Heaven

I had Kahlua in my breakfast coffee and drank my lunch out of a pineapple.
I tried to cut across a church parking lot with a drink in my hand but God wouldn't let me.

Little Bits of Island Heaven

I have sand in my creaveses.
Sand not snow.

Swimming With Anvils

I dread people.
I abhor their foibles.
I feel forced to labor under their misconceptions of me.
I count seconds while they're talking.
I am repelled by their notions.
Being popular or the life of the party would be a sentence unendurable.

There is no measure by which I can express my preference for a cats purr over the embrace of a stranger.
People frequently interrupt my happiest moments to observe that I'm sulking.

Animated hosts who take me by the arm to "do the rounds" make me feel like Frankenstein in a black dress.

Oh, and if I have to listen to one more story about your trip to Florida with an empty drink in my hand I'm going to eat five pounds of rum balls and inhale the center piece candle light.

MOVE ALONG NOTHING TO SEE HERE

I am on vacation and will not write again until sometime next year unless Maui boars me to words.

Have a wondrous holiday.

So He Said

"Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing over and over he sad?"
"Yes", she answered, "that reminds me of...

Ten Lies I've Told My Kids

You gotta stick with it. Although I personally never kept the same job more than 2 years. Dealing antiques don't count cuz I spent more money collecting things than I ever made.

Wearing your mums warm sheepskin slippers if you are a boy will give you fibromyialga. And that's just painful.

Keith Richards and I are the same age. That's what drugs will do to you.

That secret tubular death punch that will drop you, the one I learned to protect myself with at academy, is just my version of a kick to the groin.

I did not read my sisters collage course books back in high school due to my love of reading and creative way to solve boredom. It was mostly her abnormal psychology book cause of the sex.

I have nothing after the number three. When I get really angry and count at them, I wouldn't know what to do if they made me mad past three. The world will not end, my head will not blow off, and they will not "get it". Don't tell them.

I hate watching any sport that I'm not in. I wish they would take up collecting stamps or gaming on line.

I want them to live in my basement and never move out.

I never got farther than basic math classes. I only passed basic math because of my cleavage and the fact my teacher liked to sit on my desk. For that matter, do not tell the state. The financial board should probably double check the oodles of bucks I manipulate.

I didn't stop inviting Elaine my old long time friend over cuz she lives so far away. She has a big mouth and talks about my naughty bad days. If she ever lets slip about my greenbush days, Ill just die.

So He said

"If that's how you are, I'm ok with it," he said, "I could have two moms, fat mom and skinny mom."
"Shut up, only if you call me skinny mom", she replied promising herself to look longer at Brad Pitt when she had too.

So He Said

"Oh that was the alarm going off", he said when he eventually reached her "I thought it was the birds from where I was."
At least that is what the newly deafened girl waiting in the door guessed the grinning rookie the inmates rounded up said as he finally shut the system off and watch her drive away.

So He Said

"Everyone looks fat", he said stepping back to take the heftys in.
"It's the world be live in today" she answered peering at the screen that used to be her wall without the benefit of glasses.

So He Said

"Ma'am you got a minuet, I need to talk to you ", he said standing in line with the other men out side her door.
The girl knew he really had nothing to say but he needed a mother, a sister, a wife, or a daughter on Thanksgiving so on that day she would listen.

So He Said

"People have become fatally lost a hundred feet away from the tour group", he said sporting his best khaki, his voice echoing through the cave.
Before her panic set in, the crusty stalactite hanging off his upper lip had caused the girl to purposely lose sight of the guide forty five minutes and one rescue squad earlier.

So He Said

"You don't sweat much for a fat girl", said the soft puffing tourist in front of his cronies.
So the girl with no self esteem pretended to laugh as she left the dance floor no longer glad someone had finally asked her to dance.

So He Said

"I just love ham", he said slicing meat for pizza, " what animal does it come from?"
The school girl training the new tosser could not wait to start collage and stupefy.

So He Said

"You are not a monster, I am the monster", he said.
And then the girl danced for the Boogie man and he was swayed.

So He Said

" I brought a couple boxes of wine, a bag of Alpo and something for the dogs", he said with jubilance.
The girl ditched her inhibitions and crawled into the yurt with December legs acting like July.

So He Said

"How did you brake your collar bone", he said staring at her fragmented x-ray.
She did not want to tell him she fell off her chair at the dinning room table while eating dinner on New Years Eve so she answered,"Partying", in what she hoped a tuff voice- "I was told", while praying he would not question her cat.

So He Said

"So you never raise your middle finger to anyone", he said to his little sister, "because it means....eagle."
When the four year old found out the real meaning, she flicked him off constantly for not telling her the whole truth.

So He Said

"Am I going to have to love it like it's my own?" he said to the girl frantically waving the strip of paper she had just peed on.
Expecting anything but that she did not know what to do with her face.

So He Said

" I do not know what I would do with out you ", he said in an earnest voice directly in her ear.
But he never said " I love you" to her heart so she thought she would let him try.

So He Said

"Keep your hands off my plate and just eat your own food," he said through clenched teeth to the girl in the upscale restaurant when the CEO stepped away.
"I couldn't eat my lunch today ", she said as she handed her Styrofoam container to the pair of bums sharing a pack of frozen hot dogs on the out side bench she had watched trying to defrost their weenie's for the past hour.

So He Said

"We'll have a great time in Vegas", he said as he stirred a circle of cream into the coffee she just served him and blew a smoke ring from the corner of his sensual mouth.
"No", she said as she stared at his large nimble fingers cupping the mug where his wedding band should have been.

So He Said

"Is there such a think as a good zombie?" he said in a flat voice his hands never leaving the controller and his eyes glued to the screen.
"Anything that eats your brain..." she tried to answer as she waited for the paint stripper to um ...

So He Said

"Just mail me my damn 'permit to purchase a hand gun' woman!", he said with a mouth full of anger.
"Send me my damn divorce papers and you will get your permit", she screeched in her inbread trailer voice.

So He Said

"If you buy a membership in the museum, you get ten percent off the picture you just purchased," he said, "that's alot."
"Not alot", said the number dyslexic girl who could not see the difference between the $120. charge she thought she made with $1,200. marriage breaker she just saddled herself with.

So He Said

"Some words are really hard to spell..", he said as she nodded prematurely in agreement, "..out in feces when you are trying to make a statement.
So began her shit thesaurus composition.

So He Said

"I love the smell of garbage in the morning", he said as he pushed the heavy reeking janitor cart full of rotting leftovers and scraps out the loading dock to the dumpster, "it smells like...victory."
He told the girl he layed in his bunk mornings waiting for the 4 am switch out so he could come into work just to get out of his cell.

So He Said

"Using outsourced material will double our product production and turn costs around for the company", he said using his power point technology.
She swiveled 360 degrees in her office chair and laughed.

So He Said

"Taboo, we are soo TABOO!" he erupted gleefully a glean in his eye and his silk tie loosen, thrown back behind his damp neck.
"No, we are not tabbouleh until we stir in the turmeric", she told him not so excited.

So He Said

"A big girl like you with arms like that could play the trombone", he said after crushing her heart.
She tried to be a trombonist but the girl yearned to drum and they didn't need another so she quite and just took to trashing hotel rooms without a band.

So He Said

"Mrs. Ravendalhen said you have to be my friend", he said to the shy girl on his first day of the second grade.
He repeated it in the third grade to get her to pass notes, then the fourth grade when he needed a science partner and the sixth grade when he wanted her to hang out at the snow carnival, and in the eighth grade when he got Debbie Newgate the sophomore knocked up and was too scared tell anyone but her, and by the time he had the shy girl climbing into his bedroom window to write plays instead of cleaning the Lutheran church across the street in the ninth grade or when in he got Debbie pregnant for the second time in their tenth grade year when she kept his baby or finally when the North Stars dropped him for using drugs, and a few times in between and after.

So He Said

"You will marry me if I get you pregnant", he said in a unmistakeably hopeful voice.
She vowed to her self to break up with the cowboy as soon as she finished.

So He Said

"All you got to do to look good is follow me around with your clip board and write down what I say so you remember to take care of the issues later", he said.
So she trailed behind him jotting down things like "self important fat ass waists time" and "my ex boss used to spend two hours in the bathroom and another playing fantasy food ball as I took over his job, the twit."

So He Said

"You sure this is what you want", he said in a scared voice.
Her hand on the flashlight shook despite the gin and she had never been less sure of anything but she had already pulled the wool hat over her ears to muffle the sound that would follow her nod.

So He Said

"Bla bla bla", he said in his monotonous voice, his blue eyes extra watery.
Does this man ever shut up, I've got more important things to think about like sleeping bags, duck eggs, and Windigo's to concentrate on-"OH HEY WHY IS EVERY ONE RUNNING OUT OF HERE IN THE MOST UNORDERLY FASHION?" she thought then yelled.

So He Said

"Do you ever take risks, dive too fast, experience severe mood swings, or have bursts of energy or creativity followed by depression?", he asked rapidly after calling the girl by the wrong name and never looking up from his massively large paper strewn desk directly at her.
She watched the dangerous brightly colored pills swirl around her toilet bowl and pictured herself rearranging all his desk papers to spell out her name correctly before setting it on fire.

So He Said

"You see anything?", he said to the frozen girl as she entered the cabin.
She pictured the large wild canine tracks on the snow covered pond she passed in the daylight on her return and answered, "Let's just keep the little one tending the fire for the rest of the trip."

So He Said

"So my real father is actually a top secret asternaught away all these years working on an exploration study three galaxies from here?" he said with great big eyes widened in question just like his missing dad.
"Four", she said.

So He Said

"Ooh sexy boots, you from around here?", he said as he gazed intensely into her eyes and guiding her genitally down into the buttery soft upholstery.
"Shut up and just do me again", she snapped impatiently brushing the bleach blond bangs from her eyes while making a mental note to switch hair salons.

So He Said

"Is the man of the house there, this is Bob from the NRA, and I understand your husband has donated to us recently..", the telemarketer repeatedly ask her every night about dinner time.
"No", she answered in a tearful sounding voice, "my husband died from a gunshot wound to the head."

So He Said

"I said, "Can you FIT"", he repeated with a look of pure annoyance and frustration on his young face.
She wiped her saliva out of his toy box and promised herself to start taking the time to listen with both ears.

So He Said

"I never eat protein and carbs together at the same time, it screws up your metabolism", said the pompass chubby antique dealer as he helped himself to another of the pulled pork sandwich the girl had brought in for the workers.
"Ok, I'll remember that if I ever wake up fat", she replied flicking her paint brush at his back as he waddled past.

So He Said

"In ah uh cupill minets you won'tt feel a thinngah, sweetie", said the good Dr with a slur.
She gripped the arms of the dentist chair and watched with her peripheral vision the Novocain as it shot through her cheek missing her gum altogether hitting the cheery printed wallpaper and knew she should have just applied a hammer directly to her mouth before arriving.

So He Said

" I never even told any of my girlfriends that I loved them", said the idiot sitting across the restaurant table she had chose for this meaningful day.
She sat staring dumbfounded as he continued to squirm and babble and she wished he would have let her finish her planned breakup sentience.

So He Said

"Hungry Like a Wolf is a real song and not just an Old Spice commercial?", said the kid not believing coolness was as old as his mum.
She showed him the YouTube video, but told him nothing of the small import vehicle or the country she was in for that matter the first time she heard it.

So He Said

"I need to make my appointment for another melanoma peel this month", said the Sargent as he finished off the entire bag of her peanut brittle with a satisfied sigh.
The girl wanted to tell him cancer thrives on sugar, how he should be eating apricot pits instead, but she enjoyed his enjoyment too much and wasn't as good at cracking fruit centers with a hammer as she was at baking.

Deep Pockets Full Heart

Cost of cell phone upgrade for tweenager who has lost/broken phone. $159.00
Cost of comfortable workboot for when tweenager goes back to work. 76.00 (more than any pay check earned so far.)
Cost of sushi for late dinner after long evening shopping. 47.00
Sound of little boy's voice rising about the crowd at check out lane. "Mom? Mom! I've been abandaned. I don't remember where we parked?"
Price less.

Heart Break Food

Recently, while I was hanging outside waiting for a sign with alot of time on my hands I thought about wienies. I do not often think about tubular meat but I had a couple great ones in the middle of the night in Europe during my pre-asternaught days. They are alot of work but worth it, as they will fix anything that ails you. And you can not eat them in space.

Here is how you build them.

REMOULADE
2 c. mayonnaise
1 tbsp. prepared mustard
1 tsp. anchovy paste
1 tbsp. each chopped capers & gherkins
1 Tbs fine chopped onion
2 chopped hard cooked eggs
Salt & white pepper to taste

SHRIMP SALAD

1 can medium sized salad shrimp drained
1/4 cup ketchup
1 rounded teaspoon grated horseradish

Steam or grill an old fashioned foot long hot dog
Grill a piece mixed grain flat bread until warm
Spread a layer of mashed potatoes on warm bread
Lay hot dog on mashed potato cover flat bread vertically
Spoon a line of romaulade sauce along one side of dog
Spoon line of shrimp salad on other side of dog
Roll up in a cone like shape
Top with carmilized onions

Eat with a spork. Buy bigger pants.

*not my picture as I do not pour ketchup on top as you can see

Dear Asternaught Letter

Dear Asternaught,

You can just kiss off now. You are way too cold for me, ice Asternaught. Hope you get the bends upon re-entry if you ever decide to show your oxyigen sucking face on this planet again. Heard the scientists had to weld your helmet on your ugly mug so the black hole they were shooting you towards wouldn't spit you back out. Know what else? Down here your fat. Too bad you are all alone up there, with no gravity to hold your "little shuttle" down for a change. I was just only slumming with you. I really wanted an alien. And I want my solar sytem mobile back, space pig.

Postcards to My Asternaugt

I baked a cake for your coming home party. It is shaped like a rocket and made of butter cream. I'll just continue practicing popping out of it with my big net until you get back. Act surprised.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

So. I suppose you are way to busy at your control panel with your levers and monitors to look out your window. You really should take a peek. See that deer stand with the heart painted on the roof? I built it higher than legal just to be closer to you.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

I tried to you spell you out a love message in a crop pattern. But the growing season here is over. So I used chickens. From my roof they look like the Asian word for goiter hag.

Post Cards to my Asternaught

Do me a favor while your up there? Mess with the planetary alignment's a little. Arrange Aquarius to look like.. oh maybe big a pair of lips. Instead of a silly water bearer. Then maybe you will find me sexy instead of drippy.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

The down side of up is me.
Come home Major Tom.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

All those nights we spend together on my Tempur-Pedic, does it qualify as asternaught training? If so, I'm going to pack every left over Forth of July fire work I can get my hands on under the dust ruffle and meet you around Pluto.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

By the way you never left me your temporary address. I know you asternaughts are shy, and like to be left alone so I am just sending these cards to Santa in hopes he forwards them. I'll just sit here under the mail box with my binoculars and wait.

Postcards to My Asternaught

Do you think of me in hyper space? Or do your weightless memories float away, higher.
Tape a snap shot of me inside your helmet, will ya. Make it sad.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

Can you pick me up a few things on your way back? I want:

Moon Shadow
Cheese
Stardust
Mini Black Hole
A silver cloud lining
Any unanswered wishes I can grant
Alice
One pocket alien who doesn't eat too much
Another pocket alien to keep first happy
You.

Post Cards to My Asternaught

Is it all it cracked up to be up there in space? Peeing in your flight suit, is that hard to do? Was there a simulated astro elimination class at NASA? I have to focus on these things while your gone. Me not being able to wrap my (helmet less) head around rocket science and all. Beats the thought of you breaking down.

Scared Spitless

I am scared of two things:

Snakes and midgets.
Both are low too the ground and creepy. On the one hand I can run away from a snake or just hit them with a stick, or even make a belt out of them but I can't so much with midgets. Although I did push a grocery cart into one of the little devils once, and I did throw up on one another time. I will tell you of it in the future when my stomach calms down from mentioning their concentrated evil.

Postcards to My Asternaught

I will write you soon and tell you the details of all that is happening here. Stuff about the war in Georgia, and the strike in Pakistan. More about the Syrian troops invading Lebanon, what Kelly and Regis dress up this Halloween as, and who spent enough to spin the press and win the election.
Write back soon, ok, and let me know the really important things like is the part in my hair straight and does Tang taste better in space.

Skinning the Cat

Her body tensed before the huge lion pounced on her in the night. She felt the huge cat's breath hot on her face as his sharp vice like teeth punchered her skull. The girl fought the beast with everything she had. With an upwards thrust she mistakenly claimed a short lived victory and she began to skin the wild animal. With her knife under the cat's top lip she saw it's warning snarl too late, and when she woke his incisors were still embedded in her head.
She fumbled for the migraine pills in the dark bathroom with her eyes closed wishing she really was in a jungle anywhere but there.

Road Blocks

Top 10 diversions that keep me from blogging:

10-Surrogate mothering alien baby embryo's.

9- Filling in as body double for Jullianne Hough On "Dancing with the Stars."

8-Spray painting dirty remarks about self and phone number over every campain sign in neighborhood.

7-Waiting hopefully by phone

6-Carrying "Survivor Man's" cameras across the Amazon. ("Les. Les! Wait Les! Play your harmonica for me and I'll give you a Snickers bar! Stop running!)

5- Bulking up for winter on the chocolate cheese cake flavored donut diet.

4-Calling hubby's new job. Tell his hot assistant I am an undefeated extreme fighter with anger issues. Ask her over for dinner. Or throat punching.

3- Write own honest quarterly job evaluation for boss. Show boss and have him sign. Fax the fake glowing review into office instead. Spend undeserved raise at strip club at lunch break.

2-Shop for a lake side cabin on Craigs List. Trade both kids for cozy fixer upper with semi-detached meth lab a short distance from swamp.

1-Shaving head. Gluing fresh cat to scalp daily.

Baby On Baby

People. Babies are killing babies out there. This must stop. I, as a mother will make sure this will happen.
How you ask? How will one woman do this?
This is how. Listen up.
I as a woman will not let a violent flu bring me down, allowing my baby to be stolen by his father into the northern woods without me. Taken to the deep dark woods like savages to stalk deer. Unsuccessfully. Only to be dropped off at home, heart broken without any game.
My baby waved good bye to his departing father, and took up his gun once again. With a vengeance, he pointed his rifle in the direction opposite his fleeing dad.
"BOOM"
The shot knocked me off the sick bed.
I had to help dispose of the babies body. Heavy, heavy body. ("Mom, don't cut the heart mom. Is that the lungs or the liver. Good thing you don't have anything in your stomach 'cuse of your flu ' cuse that is BLARGHHH.")
I lay awake all night wondering how I would turn the body over to the authorities the next day.
In the darkness we hung the body. In the darkness the next day we cut it down.
A rigamortss stiffened body will not fit in the back of a Jeep.

Mothers. do not let your babies put you through this.
Hunt with your children. Coach them to wait for horns. Teach yourself how to use a pulley. Have readily available muscle mass. And a truck.







*Father did not truly abanden us. Just drove off to work out of town. (YEAH! Out of town!)

Middleage Adolescence

One the rainy afternoon she thought of him. She often thinks of him. Too often. Then she typed his familiar name into her search engine. He came up in New York. He was always the city boy, even when the city was a town of two hundred.
She held her breath and dialed his number, not know what she would say, her heart pounding in her thought.
He answered on the second ring. "Hullo?"
He wasn't ever home on a Sunday afternoon. Never. He was out racing fast bikes, knocking up cheerleaders, out running the cops.
She expected his answering machine to tell her this.
So she gasp and hung up the phone like a giddy adolescent.
And worried after all these years he would know it was her. It was always her.
She knows she should write her story. But that part of him belongs to her. And she noes not want to share.

Instutional Clasifieds

POET FOR HIRE:

here is a sample of my work

monster

they say i am a monster
they say i am no good
they say one day the monster
in me will return
i say grrrr

one poem five spot or a back rub

jingles K4 second floor third door

Institutional Classifieds

For Barter:

Surplus ammo (any size) for home cooked dinner. Call between 2pm and 7pm so as not to wake mother.

CO Barril Kitchen

Institutional Classifieds

WANTED:

Date. And not the Ramadan kind. I have my prom gown and am ready to go. You bring the raisin jack and memories will be made.

Chris S.O. unit cell 917

P.S. If you tell the seg unit I still have the suicide watch style, I'll cut ya.

Instutional Classifieds

FOR SALE:

Ramadon Dates. Bi mi dam dates nigga. Days be putn m in mi Ramadon bag nasty and senting to my cell a nigh. Use them as a stone, tey pitted.

Azizah da Bizzah K3 South lower level cell 428

Insitutional Classifieds

FOR SALE:

Junk Cheese. Smuggled straight out of kitchen in between two pairs of under ware for your dining pleasure. Buying 4 slices qualifies you to 10 minutes uninterrupted time with the unit iron for your grilling needs.

DogBone K4 West Cell 806

*cheese does not contain real dairy. ingredients include, oil, glow in the dark orange food dye, and funk

10 Every Day

Ten Things I do Every Day:

1 Curse loudly at alarm.

2 Offer a sacrifice to my "Rock" altar.

3 Run two laps before my coffee (around my counter island).

4 Circle the parking lot until I find my bosses car. Park at diagonal to block slacker in.

5 Slap out of order sign on coffee vending machine. Sell home brew for 2 bucks a pop.

6 Phone home. Request whatever is not in fridge for dinner.

7 Moisturize hands with lotion. Rub greasy paws on Captains window in an pressed ham shape.

8 Bring home picture of inmate. Tell kids inmate is new dad.

9 Complain about smaller size ice cream containers. Eat twice as much.

10 Hold deep meaningful conversations with feral cays while distributing kibble. Answer self in Sylvester voice.

11 Bongo a chorus of "Tusk" on hubby's belly.

12 Practice counting.

464-7788- Get it Right

“Conscience, my old chum, my bosom buddy, my pal, my confidant, my … so how the devil are you? And more to the point, where in the name of all that’s holy have you been, eh? Eh? Eh? I have been doing some frankly sickeningly depraved and despicable things, many of which would make your eyes water, and have I heard from you? Well, have I? Not a word, or a peep for that matter. You never write, you never call, you never email. I even tried looking you up on Facebook. But nothing. It's like you fell off the face of my earth. So I sat here - sat, lay, suspended myself upside down, and many other positions besides - indulging in pleasures of the flesh whilst ingesting a cornucopia of toxins no one in the moral majority would approve. The kind of behaviour that would not only make my poor mothers hair curl, but would undoubtedly cause it to fall out, and yet you remained silent. Unusually mute, by your standards. No murmured whispers of sanity, reason and righteousness to set me back on the straight and narrow - don’t interrupt, I said - so it’s hardly surprising that I now find myself infected with all manner of … Michele? There's no Michele here. My name is Munkay and you must have the wrong number."

Who Ya Gonna Run Tell On Now?

Pig said she needed "spanking"
Insubordinate jerk hung self
firing process has begun

A Slip of the Lip

Back-pain is fine.

Everybody gets back-pain. Athletes get back-pain. Joggers.

Back-pain doesn’t label you, it’s just a fact of life.

Hip pain is a whole different kettle of pinchy craw fish though. Hip pain is a real milestone in the decrepitude stakes. That’s one you won’t quickly admit to colleagues or friends.

I have a pain in my hip.

No. Sorry. Can’t see that happening. I’d rather say I have leperacy or warts.

Hip pain. If I told my children I had a sore hip, that would be the start of a very rapid decline for me. Even their language would change, subtly. You see, up to now, if I happen to trip over something while dragging great pieces of furnature around the house or pushing the Harley out of the barn, or wrasseling a crocodile, one of my kids might just mention it to the other:

Mom biffed.

Did she? Is she all right?

Yeah. She just fell over something.

But if they knew I had a stiff hip, they wouldn’t say that. Instead it would be Mom had a fall.

Oh.

And they’d frown at each other. A fall, eh?

Yeah. She had a fall.

It won’t end there. As time progresses, the language will turn even darker and the frowns will become furrows.

Mom had one of her falls.

Really? One of her falls? Maybe we should consider …

Nah. She’ll be fine.

Even that won’t be the worst. After a couple more years will come the absolute pits:

Mom had another fall last night.

Another one! Shit, we’ll have to …

Yeah. I think we will …

I’m keeping quiet about this hip. It’s probably just a strain.

Munkay's Pussy Ranch

I ain't no stinking feline damn it- don't believe what they are telling you. I just got this this bad kibble habit...

Munkay's Pussy Ranch

Double your pleasure! Double your fun! We are Kit-Kat and know how to make you purrr.

Munkay's Pussy Ranch

Don't yo start no treble wit none of mai girls, or Mama will cut yo up gud. I sitz her on dis porch, I'z do, an I watch mai babies see. Yuz treatz them reaal niz an I no bite offen yo earz.

Munkay's Pussy Ranch

I'm Madam Tippy and I run this ranch. I am a boluptuous cat of huge appetites. I used to be a dude, but now, thanks to that cut happy vet I swing both ways to make you happy honey. Come see me if you want your melons rolled.

Munkay's Pussy Ranch

Mello, my name is Mew Mew and I am a very loving and docile kitten. I will do anything or be anything you want me to be. Strange is my specialty. You want me to be an egg, I'll be an egg. Flexable is my middle name.

180

I have worked here for an entire year now.
This might be my next venture if I can scrape up the cash and energy.

The End of the World As I Knew It

6:30am Information super-highway stops working. Rolling of eyes and general grumbling ensues amongst co-workers.

6:40am Realisation that this might be a Serious Problem sets in. Angry phone calls are made to network provider by squad, because being rude and sarcastic always encourages people to try extra hard to help solve your problem quickly.

7:03am All work that can possibly be achieved without access to the internet is now complete, but Managing Director declares that lack of internet access is not a good enough excuse to knock off for the day.

7:26am Co-workers begin aimlessly wandering the office corridors, like ghosts trapped between worlds.

7:47am "I've got the internet" shouts an excited co-worker "oh, no, it's just a hallucination. Damn, I think I'm losing it..."

8:07am Walk new hire list over to Margaret instead of e-mailing. Stop and rest at halfway point, 20 feet. Interduce self to Margaret when finally there.

8:15am "You should just be able to phone the internet or something when this kind of thing happens" speculates staff. I consider dialling IT but the number is on computer. Sit and stare at phone. Then computer. Then phone..

9:00am Nobody cares that it's coffee time, they've already eaten everything they could find in the office out of boredom.

10:15am Co-workers construct an effigy of the internet out of stuff they find in the stationary cupboard, and begin dancing around it in their underwear.

10:20am Network engineer arrives to investigate problem. The Effigy is declared to be our new god.

11:00am Network engineer announces that he cannot fix the problem, and we need to get the main office to look at our line. He is promptly sacrificed to the Effigy. Co-workers examine his entrails to foretell when the downtime will end.

11:13am Co-workers begin arguing over what to do. One faction believes the engineer was a holy prophet and we have angered the Effigy by murdering its messenger, while others believe the Effigy demands more blood before the curse can be lifted.

12:14pm Interdepartmental guerrilla warfare breaks out.

12:34pm Faction 2 is victorious. Surviving members of Faction 1 are taken prisoner and sacrificed to the Effigy - they are disemboweled with the plastic forks left over from when we had a cake for Joan's birthday the other week.

12:55pm We go to Starbucks to get more cake.

1:15pm A new Dark Age begins, co-workers construct a rudimentary settlement around the Effigy.

2:00pm Co-workers gather around a campfire made from our useless computers and listen to tales of a time before time, when words and pictures would fly through the air and appear on a magical window before your very eyes, like dreams.

2:47pm Legend tells of the mythical "Book of Faces" which can destroy time itself - a crusade into the holy land (accounts on the second floor) begins in order to seek out the book.

3:30pm Slink out of office beaten too depressed to do anything but go home and blog.

Worlds Worse Sami

The World’s Worst Sami was sitting in my living-room, sipping from a mug of cocoa clasped between his trembling, frozen hands. The chattering of his teeth quite drowned out the reassuringly dull drone of the passing traffic, as it headed for the neon bright lights and a frenzied bout of last gasp festive indulgence at the mall to the east.

“I’m s-s-s-still c-c-c-cold,” he murmured, sticking out his bottom lip in a most disgruntled pout. This had been his mantra since he arrived at my front door earlier in the evening. The knocking had been tired and quiet - barely there, yet nonetheless insistent. I hollered to the unexpected caller to let them know that I was on my way, but the tapping continued unabated: the sound of an exhausted, demented woodpecker determined to make a breakthrough by sunset. It was only when I finally opened the door and found his right hand held in mid-air, still shuddering against nothingness, that I realised quite how violently he was shivering.

I offered to take his coat as I ushered us both into the dimly lit, artificially heated warmth, but he refused, instead pulling the heavy parka even more tightly around him and yanking its hood forward so that his elfish face gazed out at me, wide-eyed and enquiring, from inside a thick, fur-lined tunnel.

“Are you kidding? I only got this just now, and I’m not taking it off until the temperature is back to something at least vaguely liveable.”

I was curious, even puzzled. I may have only studied Sami in the pages of simplistic, brightly coloured picture books at primary school level, but even that cursory knowledge taught me that their coats are of the utmost importance to them - the mix of reindeer fur and sheep skin offering these hardy souls some badly needed protection from the harsh winds and bitter chill of their natural environment. Seemingly not.

“I don’t believe in cruelty to animals. Plus, those traditional Sami garments are so bulky, and can have such a lingering odour about them. Frankly, they stink a bit. So I bought this one at the Pancake Hut. It was a bargain in that pit. It’s my first winter coat, too - my dear mother back home will be so proud that I’ve finally seen sense. I was downright freezing before that, running around in t-shirt and jeans at minus thirty degrees. I had goose bumps in places you don’t even want to know about.”

I showed him into the living-room and expected him to take a place on the sofa. But no, he seized one of the cushions and hurriedly dragged it over to the radiator, squeezing it round the top of the cast iron frame, whereupon he hoisted himself up on to the hastily built seat. Closing his eyes, he sat absolutely still for a moment - as if feeling the welcome heat surging through his body - before sighing, almost contentedly. Almost.


“Getting better. Could be better still. I can’t feel my fingers yet. Or my toes. Or the end of my nose. It turned blue earlier. My nose turned blue! How you people manage to cope in such weather is beyond me, really it is. Now, can I have something to eat, please?”

Delving once again into my limited classroom/internet learning, I informed my visitor that the contents of my fridge - a word that made him once again visibly shiver - sadly rather lacked much in the way of reindeer meat or freshly-snared snow grouse, though I did have a piece of cloudberry coffee cake that might be to his liking. He sniffed dismissively, turned his nose up at me, and asked for some nachos. With salsa.

I had, up until this point, been very patient and polite, but my bewilderment had at last risen to the surface. I wanted to know just how an Sami could be quite so unused to the arctic winds, the sub-zero temperatures, the ice, frost and snow. How a Sami had never owned a winter coat prior to spotting one going at a substantial discount in a roadside stand. How a Sami preferred chippies to some tasty wild foraged goodness.

“The locals always called me the World’s Worst Sami,” said the World’s Worst Sami, between gobbled mouthfuls of crunchy goo. He dabbed a finger at a tell-tale trail of cilantro that was slipping from the corner of his mouth, before continuing. “But I wasn’t. I really wasn’t. I just enjoyed being different.”

“And now?”

“Now I’ve decided that I’m quite different enough. Different enough from everyone else, anyway. I just want to be warm, thank you very much. Speaking of which - do you have a hot water bottle?”

When I returned from boiling the kettle, I discovered that my arctic visitor had grabbed every spare pillow, duvet, blanket and winter coat he could forage from my cupboards, drawers and wardrobes, using them to construct a makeshift tee pee in the middle of the floor. I allowed myself a brief smile at the thought that even this wilfully different Sami didn’t go against his native tradition in every way.

I turned out the light and closed the living-room door. As I did so, there was an almighty sneeze from inside the heavily cushioned refuge.

“Sutina. I think I’m getting a cold.”

Note to Self

Dear You,


What happened there? Was it the same that happened here? Did you go away? Taken leave of your senses? Have you been on holiday? I have. Months ago, I packed my single shabby suitcase and blew. I shrugged off this incessant whirl of unemployed Utopia and joined the rat race. Have you ever taken a holiday with the rats? You should. It would suit your temperament down to the last gasp. No foreign travel required. Nothing to declare. No passport needed.

The rats and I, we scurried up through the drains and left our droppings in the four corners of your decaying attic space, in the wood and worn sheets that now comprise your fleeting history in dust. I will confess that such activities weren’t entirely pleasant, but it was a relief to be a creature of such disgusting, depraved habit: alive to my true nature, alive to the filth and degradation we could only ever allow ourselves to sink into after dark, long after midnight.

Listen hard. That is the sound of my theeth nashing as you sleep.

Checking the Other Box

"Why do you call that cat Muestilienin, Dad?", I asked him when we took a break from unloading the winters fire wood off the back of the truck. "Muestilienin is Gypsy in Finnish. That cat is always roaming off."
I never met his mother. I learned she was a mother of ten and would bake bread wonderful bread every day to feed her family. I only have seen one faded picture of Anna, sitting in a wheel chair surrounded by all her children. She had beautiful long dark black hair. I always wondered why a Finnish woman would not be blond. I learned later, Anna was a Muestilienin.
When we were in Finland, we some how ended up, more by chance than anything in Inari, at the Sami museum.
While at the museum I saw images of my brother and my sisters.
One Monday at work I filled out a new affirmative action form. When I checked the "other" box under race I could see that picture of Anna smiling more clearly.

*If my links didn't link, here they are:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sami_people
http://boreale.konto.itv.se/webmstr.htm
P.S. Today my boss offered me a raise. Is it because I am minority?

Everyday Love Stories, Baby Daddy

I am head over heels in love with a vibrantly fertile stud named Baby Daddy. Baby Daddy smells of knock off cologne and entitlement and doesn't give a shit about society's opinion of a real man.
My metro Baby Daddy goes to the same beauty parlor as I do and gives a flavorless skinny girl like me advice when I am lucky enough to be in the chair next to his when he gets his fabulous braids. In between calls on his cell to his numours children, (I take care off all my kids. Do you take food stamps?"), their mama's, and his social workers, Baby Daddy is the one to tell me when I'm stylin.
I hopefully programed my digits into his phone when he was being buffed under the name "Hot Booty Biatch". It was the repo man who called me and asked me to settle his bill. I chopped it up with tears.

Everyday Love Stories, Back Pack

I have fallen head over heels in love with a travelling gentleman named Back Pack. He smells of wool and Himalayan goat's milk and is always on the go.
Oh how I long to meet Back Pack for coffee and chat about his extraordinary adventures. I too have been on many a hair raising escapades in the likes of Skime, Hugo and little Mexico and I'm sure we would bond in a heart beat if he would just find time in his busy sheduale for a girl as lonely as I. But every time I ask if he would like to meet on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday two weeks from now, I don't really mind, he asks me to hold his water bottle for a second and hails yet another taxi away from me.

Everyday Love Stories, Liam

I have fallen head over heels in love with an antiwar activist named Liam. He smells of lentils and righteousness.
I first met Liam at an anti war demonstration at the capital. He had the wildest curls I have ever seen and his vulgar songs about George W made me blush. "Munkay', he would smile with lips so sensual cupid would be envious and girls like me could only dream of kissing. "Who let the bombs out?"
At the time I had no idea who let out the bombs so I would just shrug my shoulders and hang my head in shame. But since that time the world has taught me things. Many many things, so when he calls me in the middle of the night from his two man pup tent to ask, "Munkay...Dear Munkay, who let the bombs out?", I tingle all over and joyfully yelp. "Bush! Bush and Chaney let the bombs out!"
Oh how I wish he would drunk phone me so I could seduce him with my own fiery passion.

Everyday Love Stories, Jerome

I have fallen head over heels with my Rainbow checkout clerk, Jerome. Jerome smells of Lysol and is a guineas at math. The florescent lights at the supermarket encircle his angle head like a halo when I look up at him. I like that his name tag reads his full name. JEROME all dignifiedish. No short casual nicknames like Jerry or Jer or Q. He knows every word to the 90's musac, my JEROME does. I try to engage him in conversation as I worship his check out isle, but all he has to say to the likes of me is, "That will be 8.23 please. Out of a twenty? 11.17 is your change. You saved .37 cents by shopping at Rainbow."
(I told you he was a math genus.) How my aching heart yearns for him to push our cart off into the sunset with me.

Everyday Love Stories, Pizza Dude

I have fallen head over heels in love with Pizza Dude. Pizza Dude smells of spicy sausage and underachievement. When he asks, "Do you need anything else Ma'am?", I want to answer "Yes. A healthy nutritious meal filled with warm loving abeyance, candle light and soft upbeat music. Perferably in the company of a well groomed reasonably intelligent adult (male) in possession on a sense of humor and selflessness."
But when I answer, "No, I'm good.", Pizza Dude just grabs my cash and slams the door on me.
The river of tears I cry leave my sauced face splotchy. I never get the chance to tell him goodbye.

Everyday Love Stories, Josh

I have fallen head over heels in love with Josh. Josh smells of testosterone and gym mats. His bicep circumference is larger than his IQ, but when he flexes, Lycra is my best friend. I clap my hands and squeel like I am the retart. When Josh tells me of the wheelie he popped to win back his ex-girlfriend, I sob big beefy tears.

EveryDay Love Stories, Norm

I have fallen head over heels with saliport Norm. Norm smells of Old Spice and compliance. Every morning I step into the saliport in front of Norm's observation desk. Sometimes, when I am brave, I do not scan my badge before entering. Norm will say, "Try scanning your badge again, you did not show up." That's my Norm. He notices me. Someday my Norm will say "Good Morning". That day I will know he loves me too.

90 Degrees of My Heart

I love you AC
it purrs a chilled reply
we need each other

Then and Now

I don't know. You tell me which came first.

Then and Now

When he was born, he weighted the same as 2 blocks of butter.

Now and Then

Then



Now

Just What I'm Made Of

I’m cobbled together haphazardly, bits and pieces of everything I’ve ever seen and some I've only imagined. Though if you disassemble me and inspect the parts, you won’t find me there. No essence, no depth, no soft or hard core, no creamy center. I’m a container and mostly self-contained, just use caution if you pop the lid. I’m a uncompleted jigsaw puzzle, a mosaic of recycled scraps, a journal of selected memories randomly recorded in my sleep.

Tropical Soughing

There. I did all I had to do. I planted the seed.
"Ooh-we could have us some fun in Mexico."
I smiled when I seen the image of us frolicking in the balmy surf take root in his eye. The illicit taboo. Secret and forbidden.
We could have fun, but I do not intend for him to go with me. He will come up with an excuse not to go. I am counting on it.
It will be his guilty conscious that will send me.

Baby Fears

Ten things that scared me, age seven.


Dads dress shoes.
The deep end.
The word eternal.
Aunt Tillie's cloak.
Beets.
Horses.
Whooppee John.
The attic.
Division.
My sister leaving me.

Three of these things still frighten me.

Gas Haiku

Honda's sound like farts
You stink and pass me by
Laughing to the bank.

Deport Moi?

Ten of the most un-American things I've done.

10 Rooted for the Russian in Rocky 4.

9 Enjoyed voting.

8 Answered those stupid rude Brits at the beach in Finland by swearing at them, telling them part of my phone number and a couple foods in Finnish, when they asked me about the bus in English.

7- Knew the words to "Oh Canada", before the "Star Spangled Banner."

6 Loves Jimmy Carter.

5 Doesn't buy that moon landing conspiracy.

4 Blows things up all year long.

3 Is not self entitled.

2 Is confused by the song "Be Kind to Your Web Footed Friends". "Huh? Why do they sing about ducks to be patriotic?"

1 Has never watched an intire "Idol".

I'M SPARTICUS

The saddest thing I every saw
was once fearless cowboys
washed up on the asphalt shore

No one yells I'm Spartacus anymore

Light Fingers !0

I've stole kisses off these lips a million times. In about a month they will no longer be legally mine. I will still steal off them. It will just be harder.

Light Fingers 9

I steal recipes. Here I am making my pulla bread. It is mine because I took someones recipe, added some cardamon, and almonds on the top.

Light Fingers Eight.

I steal hearts. This note was written to me by one of my superiors. Notice in it he both thanks me and says he loves me. This was left on my desk the day after I called him at 2:00 am on the first day of his vacation to fill in my job for me. I made sure I left it on my desk an extra day so my staff would see it.

Light Fingers Seven

I've taught my kid to steal. He steals kids for me.

Light Fingers Six

This I got off my door at the Hotel Palace in Helsinki Finland.
It was a gorgeous old palace we stayed in. I had jet lag so bad I used the men's lavatory. Then we couldn't figure out how to turn on the lights in our room for a day. I crawled into bed to sleep in between the mattresses. OK I thought it's Finland, land of ice, the top blanket is just really thick. One day I hung this on my door when I needed to sleep in. I thought it meant "Do not disturb". When the maid barged in on me, she did not speak English. I tried to tell her to skip my room but she was determined to clean or explain what ever she was shouting about as she pointed to this sign. She must of thought I was just a rude crazy American because I took of down the hall and around the corner to my sisters room to sleep. She chased me almost all the way there. (She probably thought I was taking off to the front desk.) I was in my under ware. When I need my sleep, I need my sleep.

Light Fingers 5

These mugs they gave out to the guests at my last job. It fits perfectly in my cup holder. Plus, drinkin from a rehab mug adds to my bad assyness.

Light Fingers 4

winter


No, I did not steal a season. It is just a word. But I did not steal a word. This was my old bossess password. No I did not steal his password. He gave it to me. I used to do all his work for him using this password. My company sent him to a different job. Now that I know how to do his job, the company has offered me his old one. I did, however use this password to find out what kind of money his salary, so I know how much to ask for.

Light Fingers 4

At one of my jobs, the company made every employee sit through a two hour talk about the cost of workplace thiefery. Afterwords, I started saving rubber bands off the asparagus. We wasted so much there I thought it ironic.

This I named my retirment ball. My plan was to save enough rubber bands to start my own tourist attraction and charge admission. When I got mad and walked off my job, I took my retirment ball with me. Forgot my expensive knives, but remembered my ball.

It has grown to shocking perportions.

And has brain sucking powers.

Light Fingers 3

I stole the credit for this womans breakfast.

When in fact, K2 did alot of the work.
.

Light Fingers 2

After my premature son was born the nurses brought me a circumcision permission waver into my hospital room for me to sign. When I asked about what pain meds they would give my son, they said none. So I asked the doctor the same question. He became very upset that I would waste his time questioning a routine procedure. My son had been in the ER for two weeks so I had seen the plastic form they used to tie newborns in to do the snipping stained with blood and feces. After I refused to sign, my discharge nurse tried to slip the consent form in on my paperwork as I left the hospital before my son. So I stole this thing they were going to use on my baby's penis. My son uses it to extract fish hooks from the insides of fish he has caught. And he has never gotton and infection, thank you.

Light Fingers

When I worked at the Cheese Bistro, my Christmas present was this Gouda, along with a bunch of other left over unsellable junk. The place was known for their Gouda. They also sold Tilsit. And cheddar and other cheese that all tasted like Gouda. I hate that cheese.
After I had quite, and they hired their new wonder boy chef, they jacked their restaurant prices up and tried to do only fine dinning.
The cheese Natzi was driven from the restaurant by her family and plunged them into debt.
Recently I had lunch at that bistro. The food was horrid. I stole this fork, because it is a pasta fork, and it had always irked me. I told her, at least buy the proper silverware instead of the 10,000 cappuccino machine but she never did listen.

The Hardest Compliment

When I drive the big food service truck over to the west unit, I always get a raise.
West houses the baddest of the bad. The boys who are not aloud with the general population. But the men in west need food too and sometimes it is my job to drive the delivery truck and bring them the carts that hold their meals. I do not go into that building. Eight of the best of the worst offenders are escorted out by guards to push the heavy metal holding carts into their unit. It is my job to transport and operated lift gate on the back of the truck. The correctional officers do not want the men to talk to me. It is disruptive and could incite trouble. Basically it is the only time these men are outside. The only time they see a woman.
A couple bad boys, when I first started, tried to chat me up as I stood running the device that lifts their carts onto the truck, but they were ushered rapidly back inside and their privileges taken from them. The west men soon learned not to start anything with me. They became as scared of me as I them.
But then, they started leaving me secret messages. Messages on the sides of the carts the guards cannot see as the inmates push the heavy wheeled carts back to my truck. They use their condiment packages to communicate with me. My first reaction to their attempt startled them.
Every day I get a new mosaic made from ketchup, mustard and salad dressing.
Every day I get a new drawing of an erect penis.
Every day I laugh out loud. The guards know not why.

Mirth to Woah.

I was devastated when they said my depression had lifted. What shall I do now, I wondered, when opportunity accosts me in the street?

Depression had always been my escape route. "I can’t do that" I would mournfully sigh, leaning on my bucket of Prozac "I’m depressed", and opportunity would bother me no more. But the depression has lifted. The ace up my sleeve has been ruthlessly removed. My crutches kicked out from under me.

I am completely screwed.

Got My Guard Up

He is my favorite. He is my favorite guard and I'm going to tell you why. He is big. He is beautiful. He is young. He is dedicated. And a little slow.
He waits for me. He waits for me, that guard does. And I am glad to see him.
When I put my key in the door in the pre dawn hours and I see his muscular body sitting in the darken office, my morning instantly brightens. I know the hours between 4 and 6 will start gentle, the way nature intended.
I pour myself into the chair across from his and sigh. That is all he needs from me, only a sigh.
He does not speak to me at first. But when he does turn toward me, and he always does, his movements are liquid.
And then his smile. His smile warms me. Like a blanket unfolding it's self around me, his smile draws me in, before he begins.
His voice is amiable in my ear. Low and smooth his words greet me. He speaks of beautiful things. Places that bring him joy. Idea's that bring him passion. Thoughts I yearn to hear more of.
We sit there together in that office behind the one way glass watching the heart of the facility stir to life. I watch the cooks create the breakfast and he makes sure we are safe. He is the first person I see in the morning and I the last he sees at night. He needs someone to talk too, and all I can do is listen. We are a good pair, he and I. We are a good pair. He will tell you that, and I will only nod when he does.

Stardust and Golden

I want to be Bohemian
burn my heels and tie
tell the man to kiss my ass
revolution on my mind

I'll pry the name off my door
use it for a rolling tray
picture the company VP naked
wait I do it anyway

Dine on scavenged Ramon
for my breakfast say two
hunt your own food kitty
the monies kinda thin

Cut my own hair way off short
all appearance indifferent
(like I give a shit now)
drop my clothes on a whim
and bath infrequently

Practing cursing the repo man
gimme shelter - let me in
name my next spawn JackCat Dylan Brown
sell my home made granola for free in town.

Live with no direction home
Time to do my own thing
Beautiful, my revaluation
I wonder if I can.



*i know it doesn't rhyme, make sense or flow. i'm a freakin hippie now, i can do what i want.

Unsent Letter

Dear You,

I will confess to having been obsessed lately, thinking day and night and all points inbetween of what physical object I can possibly send you to accompany these failed missives of apathy and torment, written with such diligence and care before they are torn up and thrown dismissively into the flames.

This morning, as I lay under my cover, it came to me in a blinding flash of inspiration. I am going to send you the first sight that meets my gaze upon waking.

Enclosed: one pair of eyelids.

Please observe the back of them, for this is what I see before I force myself to open my eyes and face yet another day. Note the flickering swirls of colour, the fluctuating nerves of delicate skin, the sticky residue of sleep crystals gathered at the edges.

Since I can no longer close my eyes, you should fully expect your next letter to be tightly wrapped around a package containing the ghostly dance of car headlights that float across my bedroom ceiling at night. I know you treasure each and every gift I send, but please be sure to always take extra special care of them as if they were your own - though I am well aware that you are now living in the desert and have not seen a car headlight or even a human being for some fifteen years.

Hope you are well, that the weather is clement, that the sands are shifting, that the solitude is proving invigorating rather than maddening, and that there are no further signs of plagues of locusts. I don’t wish you were here. Not especially, anyway.

Maddenly Yours Forever,

Munkays Pubis Service Announcement-7

So you are suprised to find a little bit of red hair in your shower
face it- your baby is a tweenager
Talk to someone, mother of strawberry blond

Munkays Public Service Anouncement-6

If ice cream is your best friend
embrace the relationship
because brain freeze hurts much less than loneliness

Munkays Public Service Announcement-5

If you are feeling bad about having to work on mothers day-
Fire someone.
Warm yourself up the day before by axing Stewie the driver for showing up smelling like a bartenders pour mat.
Then pick the morning cook who likes to spend her day screaming obscenities at inmates and reading romance novels.
Do it. It will make the world and your day, better.

Munkays Public Srvice Announcement-4

If you work at a historic inn reputed to be haunted don't run off scared.
Instead run down into the basement coal furnace room turned wine cellar bar every chance you get.
Alternate yelling, "Dang it's cold in here. Isn't anyone tending the fire in the work house?" and "Hey Buddy, I'm just coming for a bottle of wine, know where there is a nice merlow? Don't hurt me."
Tell the owners you've cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom you've yet to find the origin of that poopy diaper smell. Blame the ghost if you have to.

Munkays Public Service Announcement-3

When everyone at your job hates and wants to kill you
Don't stress.
Put a spring in your step,
Take a stroll around your work space,
Pull your chin up-
And Whistle. (don't stop)
Next person you encounter with a dumb shit question or demand
will believe you are the craziest motherfucker around
And leave you the hell alone.

Munkays Public Service Announcement 2

When your in an "it" restaurant, in the good part of town, say no to a $15. brownie.

No brownie is worth that.

Even if your best stomach says things like,

"C'mon man. When are you going to get another $15 dollar damn brownie."

Just walk away.

Munkays Public Service Announcement-1

Spay and neuter your pets.

Permanent contraception makes you a responsible animal owner.

And go the extra mile, sharpen your can opener before you do.

The residual alcohol will double as a disinfectant.

Gone to the Dogs

Too busy to write so go here. That was a command Spike.

http://www.cafepress.com/dogdammit


Then maybe I'll rub your belly if you are good.

Everything is not Enough

Why won't he love me. Why won't he love me. I asked myself that daily. I am deserving. I am good. I've done and been everything I possibly could. Protected him. Stuck up for him when everyone else was against him and I myself didn't even totally believe in him.
I put him before my own personal welfare. My love for him has robbed me of my sleep. My health. Put his needs before my own. All I get from the him is disdain.
I have betrayed my husband for this male. Compromised my integrity. Lowered my self to enabler status.
I lay with him and him alone . It is a troubled rest. The best I can get from his lips is half hearted "wow" in the early morning hours.
I am just not what he needs. I am not wild.

The Pre Game Game.

Every morning, the goal is to open your eyes before your brother. You can't use any alarms or wake up calls. Just the strategy you take down into your unconsciousness with you. It doesn't count if you wake up before 5. You're allowed to wake up before 5 if you want and wait for the clock to click past 4:59. But you can't make a move before . (Mom will hear you and awake very angry.) This has often led to the two of you waking at around 4:45 and then just snugly planing your execution for fifteen minutes, waiting to spring down the hall into action. Nowadays though, it's gotten so routine that you both sometimes sleep as late as 8 AM before one of you wakes up and runs off into the basement to game. You're both really busy too, so it's rare that a real match comes about. Usually, the one who wakes up late just lets himself take his time so he can get into the shower first (he has hid the controllers). Maybe once a month, you'll both put up a good fight, but both of you would say it's just for old time's sake. Anyway, today when you woke up, you saw that the clock said 7:12. You raced past your brothers room and toss the cat onto the center of an empty bed. An air born cat to the gut is the fastest way to announce your early morning gaming advantage to unconscious sibling. But your brother never came home last night. And he's still not home.

He fell in love. He's 38. Your 44.

Spitting It Out

are you happy, i say
and the answer like cotton candy in the mouth
dissolves between us in a rain storm
yes he says
the invisibility of the image
like lemon drops on the tongue
i don't know what love feels like
a bruise from trying to hold the phrase
for too long in the palm of my hand

The Big Day

Head- Clear
Eyes-Doted
Smile -Bright
Voice-Commanding
Shirt- Pressed
Handshake-Firm
Briefcase-Organized
Pants-Peed

Jesus is Contraband

9:15 am, Friday Morning Meeting:



Assistant Warden:



"OK Can I have everyone's attention now? We have a lot to cover here today. Officer Sharbero over in south C reports offender Jasmer hurt is ankle last night unwitnessed on the stairs in that unit and refused medical attention. Was a first report of injury written? Make sure one is written by Officer Sarbero today, Lieutenant Esklia, alright? Good"

"A fight broke out over in west yesterday involving two inmates who where joined by a third over a newspaper. Is this correct Lieutenant Gulette? Just the sport section? Ok. I understand they were both hauled to seg by squad? Good."

"A shake down over in Triad came up with 2 tooth brush shivs and a vial of unknown oil. Religious ceremonial oil? I want a follow up on that, we need to know what is in that container, Lieutenant Sophomore."

"A small fire happened in the kitchen yesterday when a pile of greasy rags was left by the pilot light of the deep fryer. All rags will be disposed of and not washed, am I right Munkay. Right."

"Another paper mache Jesus was found in K3 by the IFI team? Bruce. Not another Jesus . A toilet paper Jesus. I believe you that it is really beautiful but please tell you students to show their enthusiasm in a more appropriate means. No you can keep your personal collection, but leave them at home. Sure sell them on E-Bay. On your own time."

"Amendment to policy 217, goes into effect starting Monday. Please read the full detail that are E-mailed to you."

"Have a good day people, and a safe weekend."





*IFI=interfaith intuitive

On My Way Out

fast-forward 6 months from then
She likes to think of him in those early morning hours before the light chases the dull grey out of everything in the house. When she's up and dressed and ready to leave for work while he's still folded up in the sheets. Twisted like he's been fighting off something much more serious than morning--than the alarm clock ring. Before starting off for work, she always stands in the doorway of the bedroom and fights against the demon of reaction these moments cause. To wake him. To whisper. To undress and slip back under his warm breath and body. He always moves to her side. His hands reaching in the direction she was an hour or so before. Leaving stings the skin. Every time. More than I ever wanted her to believe. This morning, she places her head into the back of his neck. Sucking in the smells of his skin and hair. Like a just unwrapped bar of soap. And leather. Kissing a fine line of the story about the way in which she loves him across his neck. He's clutching her arm. Inaudible noises through the cover of sleep and pillows. And she wonders if he misses her. The way the sheets never forget the smell of him when he's gone.

Even Though You Don't Live Here Anymore

i bought you a bottle of gin at the store. got home and placed it next to the coffee maker by the sink. and waited. i picked up the wrong kind. and had to try to remember the words: blue sapphire . it's sitting there. staring at me. and even though you don't even live here anymore. we get into a huge fight in my head about how i got the wrong kind. and i tell you to get fucked and never come back. then you slam all the kitchen doors and mutter mean things about me when i start crying on the couch. and i tell you to get the hell out. and we break it off again.

Her Career Heads South

"McMurdo Station", he repeated."Antarctica?"
"Yes", she replied.
He smiled.
Maybe he now will wait her return.

Devil Under My Bed

You ever have a wonderfully exciting idea's that you know is horribly wrong even before you have completed saying it? Ever wish could experience rapid onset lock jaw? Yes? Course you have. Bob is one of those misguided realizations. I know I should have shut my yap mid-sentience just once.

. A normal persons reaction might of went:

"Oh you have a wild creature terrorizing your domestic pets and scaring your goats? That sucks."
Instead out of my unthinking mouth gushed, "A bobmanx! I have all ways wanted one!"

At "You want it?", I could have done a u-turn and saved face. But no. Buy that time the dark force had my tongue.

So they live trapped him and I brought him home. The devil rode shot gun.

Bob spent his first night in my kitchen. When I opened his door the next day to slip in some food, in a flash he clawed his way over me. He rearranged my house like a Tasmanian.

Bob tore through my kitchen in the early morning hours, ripping curtains, removing art work , tipping furniture, and undoing taxes.

I confronted his backside once he wedged himself for some personal time behind a TV. I tossed a blanket over Bob and recaptured him with out waking the family. It was too early in the day to hear "I told you" so's. Besides I was running late for an important work meeting.

Wanting to hide my stupid evil unthought out actions, I hid his cage away safety from my family in my bedroom. Not wanting to be cruel I let him out to roam my bed/bath.

I do not see him often during the day light. I have caught him watching me from a vantage point as I brush my teeth in the mirror from the top of this towel cabinet. At first it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up like a...Manx.

He likes hanging with the dust devils under my bed. I hear him come out at night. During the day, I spend quite time alone with him and enjoy talking with him. This afternoon I read him the local paper.

"Bob. Did you know Micheal Bolton is coming to the Grand Casino Hinkley? Wanna go? Me either."

I just wish he'd finish off that box old chocolate covered cherrys under there.

*I had to drive to the food vender's event in Wis with my boss and bosses boss. That was a road trip, what with me getting blood all over the fancy sports car. "Hey, we need to stop at another bar to disinfect Munkay's scratches."

Absurd Love Word Finaly

Want to hear my absurd love words?
I got better things to do
lick your boots-drive your car
stalk you from afar.

That's ok, there really not about you.

Absurd Love Word 9

At night I dream of you alot.
Remember me?
Do I still give you the hebegebies?

Absurd Love Word 8

Can you see my heart beating
Every time we meet up in town?
Crowds really scare me.
Sorry.

Absurd Love Word 7

Sometimes I wake with stars in my eyes
Sometimes I wake with swirls
Sometimes I wake with dust in my eyes
Sometimes I wake with tears.
Yet always I lie there wondering
If you, did you, and why did you
Drop an anvil on my head
In the night?

Absurd love word 6

I told you I loved you
You said thank you
you are nothing

but polite

Absurd Love Word 5

I went out for a drink
and got sick in my chair
woke up with a headache
and a picture of you kissing her

Absurd Love Word 4

I hung by the phone all night
climbed into bed fully dressed
in case you still wanted to have dinner
even the next morning

Absurd Love Word 3

I think of you everyday
they say "get a live"
I answer
no

Absurd Love Word 2

Marry me I shouted
No thank you you sighed
So I wrote you a letter
knocked back a box of wine
planted myself under my mail box
waiting on your reply



(it's been two years)

Absurd Love Word 1

Some get
unrequited love
some get
stalking charges

How Sick am I

The freak in me:


Always slows down and looks at the wet bio hazard evidence locker in hopes of seeing something on her way into work every morning.

Has a never ending black head on her rib cage she talks too.

At least once a day starts a conversation with the phrase, "Wanna hear the most annoying sound ever?" And makes one only to amuse self.

Is angered by joggers, especially fat joggers that can run farther than I can. That's about everyone.

Always fixes the cat a snaky snack while watching Conan so she is not the only one who wakes up in the middle of night to eat. ("Huh? Kitty was hungry and woke me up mewing.")

Mentally cleans and rearranges other peoples kitchens. In the nude.

Brings in clumps of squirrel hair and hides in supervisors desk waiting for the day the guard dog does a sweep of our office. (Ha-ha! Lassie, Steve's hiding contraband- strip search him officer, he smells like rope!)

Once sneezed the biggest something out of nose and saved it to show family. Became very upset when cleaning lady threw thing out. Told CL when caught digging through trash I lost my contact.

Stoped testing the ketones in my urine samples (when diabetic) because the label said, "Do not use internally".

Has an impromptu speak written for when she wins "Iron Chef".

Challenges self to not shave to feel more exotically European. Grosses out small town mid west self and clogs drain. Tells husband it's his hair.

Saved every one of her kids baby teeth in an old prescription bottle. Later, swallowed teeth and still had a migraine

Inscribes every post with hidden love message for the Rock.

Spent the best part of an afternoon cleaning out a cabinet large enough to hold self. Contorted self into cupboard meant to hold a set of pots and pans. Instead of springing out to surprise husband, trapped self. ("Let me out. Please. I'll be good.")

Tells my teenager I wish he had never been born. I like eating for two.

Purposely mispronounces words such as jalapenos, Celtic, and fungi , just to see if any one is dorky enough to correct me. Then laughs at them if they do.

Has never told Hubby correct birthday. Chides him for getting it wrong.

Reads own blog. Is surprised when there is something new written.